


An Escritoire-ish Conundrum

by T3Tohru



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Challenge Response, HP ACON, HP ACON1, Nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:28:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23793130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/T3Tohru/pseuds/T3Tohru
Summary: Harry Potter: A Forest of Nonsense Challenge #1Harry finds himself in a bit of a conundrum when dropping of his DADA essay. It was already late, he's running out of time - and now he's all but trashed Snape's office. What the heck is he supposed to do?!A short tale of suspense and adventure.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20
Collections: ACON - Challenge #1





	An Escritoire-ish Conundrum

**Author's Note:**

> Alright… so here is what I came up with for the first challenge. Challenge #1 must include,  
> Characters: Harry and Luna  
> Object: staff table  
> Theme/Tone: you choose (I went with ‘a mixed bag’)  
> *Limit 3.5k words or less
> 
> WARNINGS:  
> \- Rating: Teen (innocent enough except for bad language)  
> \- This fic contains: bad langaage 
> 
> word count: 3499 (can barely stick to my own bloody rules...)

“ _Fuck_ – oh fuck, fuck, fuck. This is so bad – _shit_ – what were you thinking! Idiot!” Harry’s voice rumbled barely above a whisper in the dim cold room, yet the anger and irritation in his tone was plainly evident. “Oh no – it’s not coming off. Wait – wait, is that a scratch? Did it scratch it?! _SHIT_! Oh, fucking hell I’m dead.”

His hands moved fast, viciously rubbing against the surface of the large wooden desk as he desperately tried to remove the black singe marks that marred the surface. He’d tried everything. He’d tried _reparo_ , he’d tried _scourgify_ – hell, he’d even tried transfiguring it but nothing seemed to remove the black marks from the top of the desk and now he’d ripped a portion of his cloak off and was desperately wiping at the surface in an effort to clean it. He hadn’t noticed immediately that there were deep gouges in the surface as well – like it had been scraped or melted.

He could feel a sickness curling in his stomach as his eyes darted to the semi-open door on his left. He forced his gaze back to the desk and then to the essays sitting less than a foot away from him on a section of the desk that was not completely ruined. He’d brought them in less than two minutes ago and apparently that was all the time he’d needed to completely fuck up.

To completely destroy the desk.

 _Snape’s_ desk.

He could feel his body curling in on itself as he debated what to do. He could leave – but Snape would know it was him because it was his essay and Hermione’s essay that he was turning in. Snape had begrudgingly (and rather angrily) agreed to allow an extension on the DADA essays because of the apparition lessons that were ongoing. Harry knew his hand was forced by Dumbledore and that he’d not wanted to allow the extension – especially since he and Hermione were the only students who took the extension. Hermione, being Hermione, had taken the extra time so she could re-write the damn thing to cram in even more information on the four foot long scroll. And Harry – well he’d needed the extra time to complete the work because he’d been spending an exorbitant amount of time stalking Malfoy (much to Hermione’s annoyance) and he didn’t get it finished until ten minutes ago.

He’d promised Hermione that he would drop off her work and he’d promised her that he absolutely would not screw it up. She was currently at apparition lessons with Ron – who had handed in his essay earlier even though it barely met the requirements. His redheaded friend had written almost comically large to fill the length requirement and Harry had known just by glances at it that it would be marked with a giant T. Ron had almost entirely missed the point of the essay, his write-up made no sense since Hermione was angry with him and had refused to help. Unwilling to put in any additional effort – Ron had immediately given up, blaming his complete lack of effort on the ‘ _fact’_ that Snape would fail him no matter what he wrote on the page.

The sentiment wasn’t entirely wrong. He and Ron could never expect better than an _A_ for _Acceptable_ on the work that they turned in – but there was a big difference between an A and a T.

Harry let out a low deep sigh.

He could take the essays back and leave, but if he waited for Snape to return and then submitted the essays so that the desk appeared to be ruined before Harry got there, they would be late. They were supposed to be submitted by 10 am sharp and it was now 11 am. Harry had used his map to monitor Snape’s office while he finished his essay this morning. His eyes had rapidly darted between the map and his parchment – his hand moving across the bottom and getting smeared with ink as he desperately tried to conclude his work. He should have just submitted it as it was. He should have worked on it last night like Hermione had said – but he’d been too preoccupied with Malfoy.

Harry groaned again.

In some ways Hermione was right – he was _obsessed_. He knew it, but he would never admit that she was right to her face. Even though he knew she _knew_ he knew she was right.

Miraculously, Snape had been nowhere around his office this morning. Instead, he was with the Headmaster in his office and thus Harry had taken a few extra minutes just outside of Snape’s office to complete his work. It was no longer uncommon for Snape to leave his office unlocked and unattended – ever since Hermione had looted his supplies in second year the man had pulled everything and anything of value from the room and often left it unlocked. Almost like an official _fuck you_ to the students, or like a dare for them to come in and try to find something of value. However, this time the door had been oddly left cracked open – which to Harry suggested that Snape must have gone to Dumbledore in a hurry and if history had taught him anything it was that Snape would likely be in a bad mood upon his return.

Thus – the fact that Harry had somehow destroyed the top of his desk made things even worse. The greasy-haired git had grown more intolerant and miserable as the year progressed and Harry didn’t want to be within 100 feet of him when he returned. Harry’s eyes darted back to the map he’d kept within view and he sighed in relief when he confirmed that Snape was still with Dumbledore.

His eyes darted back to the blackened surface before him and he frowned.

“Who the fuck leaves an explosive container on the corner of their desk like that,” Harry muttered bitterly as he went back to trying to remove the singe marks.

When he’d hurriedly set the essays on the desk his elbow had accidentally tipped over a small container that sat on the corner of the desk. Thanks to his quick seeker reflexes he’d been able to catch it and only a small single drop had leaked to the surface – but apparently, that was all that was required for the desk to light up in flames. He’d had to take off his cloak to smother the fire because magic had done nothing, and now the surface was blackened, marred with deep scrapes and appeared to be permanently damaged.

“I mean seriously – it’s like a fucking accident waiting to happen,” Harry’s jaw clenched as he tried a few more spells. His face fell as the surface remained unchanged. “What the fuck is wrong with the people here – why is everything so deadly!”

“Harry?”

Harry jumped, his hand jerked out in surprise and it hit something hard and glass. Something cold and solid. It made a * _clink_ * that was oddly familiar, and Harry’s eyes shot wide as he quickly took in the sight of his blonde friend before his eyes darted back in horror to see the same container tip towards the edge of the desk.

“NO!” Harry’s hand shot out faster than a snitch itself, but it still was not quick enough to stop the glass container from tipping just far enough that another small drop fell to the floor. There was a loud * _crack_ *, a bright red flash and then flames broke out. “FUCK!”

Harry gripped the container tightly, running toward the small bookshelf and placing it down carefully and quickly before summoning his already burned cloak from the ground and throwing it on top of the small red blaze. He felt his fingertips burn as he patted down the fire until it finally snuffed out.

“Oh my – Harry!” Luna had come running toward the desk the second the flames ignited, her face twisted with concern and surprise. “Harry, what are you doing?”

“I don’t know,” Harry outwardly groaned as he picked up his ruined cloak and inspected the new damage. The fire had left small cracks in the floor and the flames had burned the leg of the desk. What was once beautiful dark and somewhat ornate wood was now blackened and scratched. “I just came by to drop off our essays but–“

Harry felt lost for words as he stared dumbfoundedly at the ruined desk before him.

“Harry, why are you lighting Professor Snape’s office on fire with scintillo flames?”

“I wasn’t – I didn’t come in here to – wait, what? What flames?” Harry’s brow furrowed as he looked at Luna’s calm expression.

“Scintillo flames – haven’t you heard of them?” Luna asked him curiously as she moved toward the bookshelf and carefully grabbed the glass container.

“No, I haven’t – but Luna please be careful with that, I’ve already done enough damage,” Harry’s face turned into a scowl as he eyed the mess again before he glanced at the map. He sighed in relief when he saw that Snape was still with Dumbledore and thankfully nothing _on_ the desk had caught fire. “I need to fix this, and we need to leave before he comes back.”

“They only burn for a short moment before going out – but I’ve never seen them in this form before, they’re usually cast from a wand like most other magic,” Luna’s eyes were alight with wonder. She was looking the container over carefully, a small smile on her lips before she carefully placed it back on the bookshelf and then turned to look at him. “They’re not used often because in order to cast them you need to be either really sad or extremely happy and they don’t serve much purpose – aside from symbolically of course. They say that witches and wizards used them to mark the grave of a fallen comrade or loved one – or to celebrate – or to try and attract Crumple-Horned Snorkacks.”

“Er – right,” Harry said slowly, his eyes darting back to the map. So apparently, he’d burned his cloak for nothing because the flames would have subsided momentarily – though he didn’t even want to think about whether these were created from happiness or sadness. It was uncomfortable to think of Snape having any emotion other than hatred. Besides, if he was being honest, he didn’t really care what the flames were or how they worked. He just wanted to get the office cleaned up and then get the hell out of there. “So, is there a counter spell? Is there a way to remove the damage they cause?”

“Only the caster can remove the damage when their heart is calm,” Luna said giving Harry a soft smile. she moved toward him and bent down to inspect the damage. “Look at the beautiful shapes of the gouges – they say it represents the heartbreak or joy of the caster.”

“Okay,” Harry let out a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair. “Fuck – okay, well is there anything that I can do? I can’t exactly leave it like this.”

Luna looked at him thoughtfully for a moment. “Well, we could wait for Professor Snape and then ask him what’s wrong.”

Harry felt his mouth fall open as he looked at the sincere and innocent expression on her face. She was serious – she was fucking serious!

“Uh – yeah, no absolutely not – this is Professor Snape, Luna – he’ll fucking murder me. Either there is a way we can hide this, or we leave it and run and hopefully he thinks the bottle just fell over on its own.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Luna said slowly as she stood. She paused, her brow furrowing as she thought. “We could leave an apology note?”

“No.”

“We could leave an explanation?”

“No.”

“We could ask one of the other professors to help?”

“Luna, they’re never going to believe that this was an accident – it’s me and Snape we’re talking about here.”

“We could swap desks with the one in the room across the hall?”

“N- wait, yes!” Harry had been ready to immediately say no to whatever came out of her mouth next, but this was right up his alley. “Yes – that will work – let’s do that!”

“Okay!” Luna seemed happy that her suggestion had been accepted.

Harry turned and ran to the office door; he could feel Luna trailing along behind him until they reached the doorframe and peered out to make sure that the way was clear. Once he was sure no one was there he darted across the hall and magically unlocked the door to the empty classroom. There was a desk at the front as Luna had stated, but it didn’t look like Snape’s.

“Shit,” Harry muttered as he ran towards it. “Okay – we’ll just have to transfigure it once we get it in there. Let’s get this over with – _wingardium_ _leviosa._ ”

Harry had flicked his wand at the large piece of wood and expected it to levitate into the air so he could bring it to Snape’s office – but nothing happened.

Harry frowned.

“ _Wingardium_ _leviosa_ ,” Harry said more forcefully – but the desk remained where it was. “What the-“

Harry walked over to the desk, gripping the corner tightly and lifting it from the ground. It lifted just fine, but it was incredibly heavy.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake – this castle makes no fucking sense,” Harry groaned as he gripped the desk, bent his knees and then started to drag the large piece of furniture to the door. It groaned against the ground, leaving scratches on the stone behind it and creating way too much noise. It was like it didn’t want to go where Harry was taking it.

“Here I’ll help!” Luna ran over to the opposite side, grabbing it quickly and trying to push it forward.

It helped a little – but, even with the two of them, they could barely get the damn thing to the door.

Harry grit his teeth as they hauled it across the hall. They both grunted hard with the effort as sweat gathered on their foreheads. It took ten minutes to carry the cursed thing into Snape’s office and up toward the front. Harry quickly rechecked the map – confirming that Snape was with Dumbledore before he began tapping the desk and forcing it to transform. While the large piece of wood had not wanted to _move_ it did not seem opposed to getting a makeover. Yet he couldn’t quite get the colour right. For some reason when he adjusted the legs to match the ones that Snape’s had the underside of the desk turned a dark purple colour – but if he changed the colour to match Snape’s desk, the legs reverted back to their original state.

“Oh fuck it,” Harry said, wiping his brow and allowing the desk to have its purple underside that it so clearly wanted. “Alright let’s switch them out.”

It was another thing that was easier said than done. Snape’s desk absolutely did _not _want to move. It was like the thing _knew_ what was happening and actively tried to anchor itself to the stone beneath it. Harry groaned loudly while Luna nearly screamed in effort to yank the thing from its spot. It finally gave way with a large groaning * _clank_ * and Harry nearly cried with relief when they shoved it out of the way and began swapping everything out.

He cut a piece off his burned cloak and stuck it to the ground to cover the second burn mark. He changed the colour so it looked like the floor and in the dim lighting it was _almost_ unnoticeable. It blended well with the stone and Luna added additional sticking charms to keep the edges from curling up to prevent tripping. Unless someone bent down and touched the ground – they would never know that the floor was material in that spot.

“Luna,” Harry panted as they rapidly took everything from Snape’s original desk and began placing it on the new one. He couldn’t believe he was going to this much effort to avoid Snape’s wrath – but, then again, he could. Ever since Harry had seen his memories last year the man seemed to be two seconds away from strangling him with his bare hands. “Thank you – I – I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

Luna smiled at him. “Any time Harry.”

Once everything from the original desk was securely moved to the new semi-perfect replica, including the stupid container of liquid fire, Harry and Luna gripped Snape’s original desk and began dragging it toward the door. He’d checked his map and seen that Snape had finally left Dumbledore’s office and was making his way toward the dungeons. Harry could feel his heart beating in his ears as they shoved the stubborn furniture forcefully through the door. The sounds it made were awful, and Harry was incredibly worried that his silencing charm did absolutely nothing to stifle the groans.

Gasping for breath, Harry kicked the classroom door open behind him and began pulling the desk with renewed strength.

 _So close!_ He chanted inside his head. _We’re so close – so close!_

Luna was red-faced, her hair was damp from sweat like his and neither one of them had any energy left to make a coherent sound. The only thing that came from their lips were loud gasps and grunts. He tried not to think about what it might sound like if someone were to overhear them.

With one final heave they twisted the large desk into place and then collapsed across its surface, panting and wiping the sweat from their foreheads. Harry groaned as he forced his exhausted limbs to work and he rechecked the map.

“Fuck,” he panted. “Luna – we gotta go.”

Luna simply nodded, far too exhausted to speak. She summoned what looked to be a dusty rag from the corner, transfigured it into a large black piece of fabric and set it over the desk as a cover. Thankfully – this classroom was almost never used, so it was unlikely that anyone would find the evidence for a long time. Hopefully not until he was long gone.

“Thanks,” Harry panted, placing his arm around her shoulder and helping her move quickly back to the door. Their legs trembled as they darted out into the hall once more. Harry moved the door to Snape’s office to the same position it was in when he arrived, he shrunk the remains of his burnt cloak and jammed it into his school bag, he double-checked that the essays were safely on ‘ _Snape’s desk_ ’ and then he removed his silencing charm. Then they both turned and moved as quickly and as calmly as they could down the hall in the opposite direction of Snape’s approach. He had barely managed to put the map away when he heard the familiar dark voice echo behind him.

“Potter.”

He froze, there was never any point in running away after the man called you out.

Luna froze at his side too. He could see her fighting for air as she quickly wiped the sweat from her brow and turned around.

“Good afternoon Professor,” Luna said politely, her face moving into a sincere smile despite her heavy breathing and flushed face. Harry had begrudgingly turned around to face Snape too and he was doing his best to look innocent, but he knew his appearance would be questioned.

Snape ignored Luna’s greeting; his eyes were too busy taking in Harry’s sweaty form.

“I trust that you are down here to submit your essay – and not,” his eyes flicked to Luna before moving back to Harry and narrowing. “For some _other_ reason.”

“Yes sir,” Harry said as he tried to keep his breath even. He supposed that getting docked marks for being caught handing work in late was better than getting whatever punishment would have happened for destroying his office.

Snape’s black eyes looked at him suspiciously. He stared for a long uncomfortable moment before he finally turned on his heel and moved toward his office, his voice ringing out behind him.

“Do remind Miss Granger that if her essay is on my desk even 10 _seconds_ after the deadline at 10 pm tonight – she will lose marks – as I have no doubt that she’s taking this time to re-write the bloody thing and adding even _more_ unnecessary content.”

Harry felt his shoulder slump as he stared after the billowing robes and watched Snape whip into his office.

“Ten **_PM_** ,” Harry said flatly, the words falling from his lips in disbelief.

His eyes shifted to the incredible blond at his side. She seemed unphased by the information and was still smiling pleasantly.

“Luna,” Harry said with a sigh as he placed his arm around the girl’s shoulders once more. “Don’t tell Hermione.”

There was no way in hell he was going back in that office to get her essay so she could re-write it for a third time.


End file.
